Friday, March 6, 2009


     I got a startling call today from my dearest childhood friend.  Her Mother had unexpectedly passed away yesterday.   I feel so saddened for my friend and hope that she finds strength to move on.   I guess when you have no choice but to move forward, you just do it.   Motherhood is such a precious gift and a joy, but the loss of a mother must be heart wrenching.  I remember very clearly when my own mother's mother died.  Not knowing what to say to her (and who does really know the right thing to say?),  I said "It will be alright."  What my mother said back to me has echoed in my ears all these 15 years since.  She said, "No, it will not be alright.  It will never be alright again."
     How true she was.  It never has been the same.   I long for my grandmother.  I long to know what she thought about silly things like her favorite song or flower, but especially once I had children of my own.  What does she think of my choices in life? Would she be proud of me? happy for me? It's the unanswered questions that bother me, for I will never know the answers. It is amazing how you can miss someone so much, even though many years have gone by.  Even now it is hard to think about her without crying.
    A daughter's relationship with her mother is like a wave in the ocean, sometimes it's calm and sometimes it's a tidal wave.  Even still, when the seas are rough,  what remains is that this woman chose to give me life.   She took care of me so that I could take my first breath, and for that no child could ever truly thank her.  How do you thank someone for the gift of life?

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